Question: The spark is gone! In the four months since our daughter was born, my wife and I have had no time alone together. I can hardly remember when we last went out for dinner or a movie. We know that separation is hard on a baby, so we don’t want to leave her. But what about us?
Answer: It certainly can be a challenge to meet the needs of an infant and still keep the spark in the marriage. At least some of the time, most new parents feel overwhelmed with exhaustion, lack of privacy, and the constant demands of caring for a baby. But don’t give up on the idea of special times for you and your wife. In the big scheme of things, some evenings out probably are just what you AND your baby need.
You’re right that separation is hard for a baby, but that’s a good reason to begin now to help your daughter gradually learn to handle brief times without you. Maybe start with just a half-hour walk, then work up to a full evening out as you feel more comfortable leaving her. In some ways, your baby probably will learn more easily now than she would a few months from now when separation anxiety is usually at its peak. Also, separating may be easier later if she begins now to learn that when you leave her, you always return with a hug and a smile and that you only leave her in a safe, comfortable place with someone who gives her sensitive, predictable care.
To make the separations easier for you and your daughter, try to find one or two babysitters who can get to know her. It’s a good idea to have them first spend time with her while you or your wife are at home so that you all can get acquainted and the sitters can learn your routines. (If you’re as fortunate as we were when our children were small, your daughter may become quite attached to her sitters. The teenage girls who lived across the street from us became like big sisters to our children and enriched their lives enormously.) Also, when you leave your baby, be sure that she is surrounded by familiar sights, sounds, smells, and maybe a special blanket or stuffed toy that will be a reminder of you and all that she loves.
Finally, know that children benefit greatly from parents who are happy and who have a strong marriage. If you and your wife are continually exhausted or letting your relationship slide, it may become harder and harder for you to muster the energy you need to care for your daughter. On the other hand, if you take care of yourselves and enjoy each other, your child will learn an important long-term lesson about relationships. Although at some stages of childhood she may protest, in the long run, she will learn about the fun and romance, as well as the hard work, that is part of a good marriage. What better lesson could you possibly teach her?